btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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