I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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