so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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