I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
