xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Found your dick twin last night
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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