On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
