i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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