Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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