At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
