I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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