Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
