she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
