Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
