More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
