Your dad touched me again.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
BRING THE BAGELS
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
