Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
