maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
