She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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