Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
