My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
