And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
