does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize