good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
