living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm both gender and math confused
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
