im drinking this country out of the recession.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
