This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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