Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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