Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
