i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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