every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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