she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
