genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
