textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
