I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
