I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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