so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
