Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
