PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
