Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he puts the penis in happiness.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
