It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
