beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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