i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
