I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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