Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
