someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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