Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
