I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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