just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
