i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
