so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
