i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
