Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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