She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
only you would photoshop your dick
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
