Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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