I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
