the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
