i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
