Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
